Destinyjello (destinyjello) wrote,

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Tomorrow has come...

I don't really know why I just felt like posting here tonight. It's been almost a year since I dabbed any ink in my so called "journal." I know I'm not a person that can keep a diary of sorts detailing the nuances of my life. There's never anything I ever feel the burning need to post or to get people to read. The past year of my life has been mostly filled with things that are as fleeting as the life of a fruitfly. Granted, I did go to 2 concerts, got a job at a tutoring centre and got into the Education Program at UBC, my life still feels rather stale.

I really looked forward to Josh Groban's concert on Friday night (Aug 17th). Although this new album, Awake, was not a favourite of mine, I still enjoyed it. Many of the songs on this album did not strike me until I heard them live. For some reason, even with my pestering cough at the time, I felt inspired; the songs really lifted me up. Josh does his job well. I was overwhelmed by the shear number of fans he actually has here in Vancouver; I didn't think there would be so many Grobanites here. He's deserving of it all though. But I did wish he would've sang more songs from his previous albums, because that probably would have made me even more emotional than I was.

The start of my new degree brings about a bag of mixed emotions. This is what I seem to want to do, but I still have a lot of doubt in myself. I do enjoy teaching for the most part. There seems to be a part of me that feels like I'm not fit for the job; that I'm not organized enough or social enough or strict enough or know enough to handle a classroom of students at a high school. It is terrifying to imagine myself on my first day of my practicum and having to instruct 30 young impressionable human beings. In being a teacher, I feel I do have a billion other responsibilities to the kids I teach other than educating them according to a curriculum. I do want to help them in every way I can - being a friend, a confidante, a mentor. I feel like I can't let them down as so many of the teachers seem to do nowadays. I guess it is unrealistic for me to take on all these roles, but half-assing the job of a teacher would make me wonder why I even bothered. Having spent the last year hoping and doing what I can to procure this goal, I really can't second guess myself now. I did pick this path because I knew it would probably be the easiest way for me to get a stable job, but this really isn't a dream that burns deep inside my being. Well, nothing really ever gets that far with me; I'm never so into something that it would kill me not to achieve it. Two week until this path really starts to take shape, and all I can do is hope for the best. I'm excited that I'm getting on with the next part of my life, but I'm afraid that the next year will make me realize it was all in vain...

I think I've finally accepted something about me at this point in my life - I will probably never make any more close friends. Don't get me wrong, I am smitten with most of the people I know now. I cherish their friendship and don't wish for any of it to change. However, it is worrying me increasingly that I have not made any new friends for the past 5 or so years. There have been a few passing acquaintances during university, but nothing substantial. I just feel like I don't have the patience to put the work that's required to build the close friendships I desire. I generally don't just call people I talk to about school or trivial daily ongoings to be friends. I need to feel that deeper connection with another person for there to be any lasting ties. I don't know how this even came about. All my friends I've known for at least 7 years. This makes me wonder if I'd ever be able to open up and put effort in forging any more friendships. It is very disconcerting to me. This feeling also extends to ever finding a significant other. It isn't that this is something I'm desperately wanting, but really, if I can't make friends I don't see myself finding someone to be in a relationship with. Sad me. But then, there's something even sadder...

I guess that's most of what's been on my mind lately. Yet, the one thing that bothers me most often, never really goes away. I wish for something to smack me in the face and tell me to get going, to go live my life and make it exciting.

My cold has given me a nagging cough and has left me light-headed a lot this week. I hate feeling light headed. It feels like I have no control of my life and I'm just existing, just there vegetating on the ground I'm standing on. And when I move, my entire world spins and I begin to stagger as I try to reposition my body and hope I don't collapse. I've also found it difficult to concentrate on anything because my head would just not have it, it would punish me with dull, numbing pain that I promptly treat by taking a nap. It's getting better now. Hopefully I won't have to deal with this for much longer.

I'm just going to end this which a line from a Josh Groban song (Let Me Fall) that I am using as my MSN nickname right now that really just summarizes how I've been feeling for the last year or so.

«·´`·.(*·.¸(`·.¸There's a moment when fear and dreams must collide¸.·´)¸.·*).·´`·»
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