Destinyjello (destinyjello) wrote,

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Another one over, a new one will soon begin...

Yesterday was my last final of this crappy semester of which I half-assed my way through. I didn't really do well in any of the courses I took. Except of a few good project/problem set marks, the rest of it was quite lousy.

I don't think I ever had an exam period in which I felt so unprepared; I didn't walk into any exam feeling that I would do well in it. I couldn't sleep the night before any of my exams, I couldn't get them out of my head. The night before my anatomy final, I went to bed and woke up an hour later and I couldn't fall asleep, so I ended up getting up and studying. After these two weeks, I feel exhausted and sheltered. I had basically no contact with anyone except a few phone calls with one friend and chatting online with Jay. Now that everything is over, I don't know what to do. All my friends from school still have finals to write. I sort of feel numb from being home all the time. With this crap semester, I guess I'd have to get my ass into gear for next semester so that I don't finish university so abysmally.

One thing I'm doing right now is trying to plan a get together with my highschool friends in the next two weeks. Most of us have a pretty short holiday. Being that my exam ended today, I basically have 2 weeks, so everyone else has less. Well, anyway, this is like our yearly thing during the winter break. I have no idea what we're going to be doing this year, but it's the first time I'm planning this so I really don't know how this all works. Quite a few of our friends are actually out of the country so it cuts down on the number of people that I need to take into account. If anyone has ideas for things to do, feel free to comment and give me suggestions.

The only things that I know I'm going to be doing right now are: going to see movies with Jay and getting my grad photos done. Other than that I don't know if anything else is going on, though I'll probably spend some time with my cousins for a Christmas/New Years dinner or something and maybe some poker/movie nights.

Christmas...why don't I ever feel anything when Christmas rolls around? It is such a non-holiday to me really. I don't know how it got to be such a huge celebration, I mean, it's even celebrated in a lot of places in China. Why is Christmas, being a Christian holiday celebrated so widely? It's not that I don't like the holiday, it's just so hyper-celebrated and like even if you don't really celebrate it, someone else celebrating will most likely drag you into it. I'm not saying they'll physically make you celebrate it, but like, you feel like you need to celebrate it too because everyone else practically is. I guess the reason I don't really feel anything around Christmas is because I haven't had any memorable or lasting moments with my family to warrant a day near the end of the year where it's supposed to be all about loving people who you care about and you show it by buying people things. I'm not going to go into detail right now about how Chinese families are so pathetically not close.

So like, in the past little bit I realized that I don't really and don't think I can handle being in a relationship with any one person. I know that I'd get too attached and that'll be make things go horribly wrong. However, it'd be like unbelievably great if I find someone that has the same mentality as me. Yes, I'm probably dreaming. Of course this doesn't mean that I will never ever want to be in a relationship, because that'll just make me a really sad person *teardrop*. I don't really notice guys as much as I used to; I don't go around and look for guys in my classes like I used to. This, however, doesn't help me stay focused on school.

I told Jay about this a while back, and he said that maybe I want a open relationship, so that the premise of the relationship is that we're not attached so much. I thought about it and that just confuses me. In my mind I can see it sort of working, because I know that most guys are not really monogamous anyway and because if I knew for sure that the guy loved me, he could do things with other guys? I don't know. I don't feel that sex is special every time you have it and I do believe that you can just have sex for pleasure. I guess if the relationship was based on that I would be able to handle it, besides, I have told myself before that I think if the guy that I was with cheated on me, I wouldn't find that to be a big deal. Yes, Jay, I know that sounds absurd to you. It probably sounds absurd to a lot of people, but I guess because I don't see sex as such an intimate thing to begin with it's okay. Of course sex can be really fulfilling in more ways than one if you love the person.

Anyway, let's just end there for now. I think everyone should start posting about sex in their journals too lol.
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